Typing this with my eyes closed….

I am so tired right now. My eyes are bleary, my head is fogged, I’m a little disoriented and I’m a smidgeon loopy. Not from drinking, though. I’ve never been too tired to drink before, so tonight was really interesting. As this four o’ clock am hits, I’ll have been working/thinking/active for eighteen hours straight. What the hell?

Tonight we had Boo Blast: the Eastman Halloween party. It was at the Radisson (a new location for us) and around 300 people were expected to attend. It was nice, but exhausting. (I was Little Dead Riding Hood, for anyone who may have wondered.)

I also lost my Dakota bracelet there. My bag was partially open for some of the time, and I think it might have gotten knocked over and some of my things tipped out. But then again, I’m really freaking tired, so maybe even though I looked in every pocket of that bag, and all around my room, that it fell out somewhere unusual, or maybe I found it and placed it somewhere I forget about now.

I’m even too tired to feel like shit for it, even though I will (and do, mentally). I’m such an irresponsible ass.

ANYWAY I should go before the seriously atrocious grammar and punctuation (whatever) get the better of me. Guten Wochenende…….

Forecast

I took a nap today.

That’s new territory for me this semester. Generally I’m not tired enough to let myself nap, and generally the “chilling out” time I give myself is enough to recharge. Also, I tend to feel like shit after I wake up from naps… so I try not to take them. But today I was really tired and already lounging around in my room, and it was kind of an accident.

I woke up and I felt, to my great surprise, pretty good. I made myself dinner and made some German flashcards and IPAed some new things (all while watching The Mentalist, but don’t judge). I then skyped with my favorite Marine since he heads out to combat training tomorrow, which is where he’ll be at for a month.

I guess the entire point there was that I took a nap today, so I’m not really sleepy… but since writing that sentence originally I’ve changed my mind a little. It is almost two o’clock after all… Nap or no nap it’s likely I’ll have issues dragging myself out of bed tomorrow morning. Or, this morning. Whatever.

That said, I’m going to go put away the laptop, open my window a crack (it’s stuffy in here) and curl up in bed. Only three classes tomorrow, though, so that will make life a little more cheerful, and maybe I’ll grab myself a Java’s sandwich after Diction. Happy possibilities, even though it’s supposed to rain tomorrow.

Anyway, I’m done rambling… gute Nacht!

Let’s see if I can write a blog in five minutes

It’s 11:25. I would really like some sleep but as usual I’ve got a couple of things clogging my mind.

01. Homework. It’s basically eating me alive and although I’ve gotten better at handling the workload, I feel like every day there is more to do, and every day it’s monumentally harder. One day I will be trying to breathe beneath a sea of dictations, listening modules and piano audits… and I might just stop swimming, and plummet to the bottom of the theoretical ocean. That’s what it feels like.

02. Friends. Sometimes I feel so, so blessed to know the amazing people I do. This is what I have to tell myself when they piss me off… or when I feel as though I’m not worthy of them.

03. Home. I keep having beautiful daydreams of being home. There’s a spicy pumpkin scent to the crisp fall air there and the leaves are already Halloween shades. Hot cider is on the stove and I have a pile of books to read and nothing else to do but laundry and the dishes. And most importantly, my mind is relaxed and my family is there. That is what I daydream about. Only two and a half more weeks until I’m home again.

04. Love. Is it possible to love someone but not be in love with them? I don’t know.

But my time is up. Five minute blog down. Gute nacht, it’s past my bedtime.

More irrelevant thoughts

Today, my mind has dwelled upon the following:

 

– Will I pass my music ed exam? I basically have heart palpitations whenever I go to check my email.

– I need to study more for the aural midterm (project for tomorrow).

– I have a clarinet test tomorrow (second project for tomorrow).

– I can’t believe I already finished the dictation and listening module… but really, already. Whoa baby.

– I need to be healthier.

– I’m so tired.

– I dreamed I was in jail last night, and they wouldn’t let me see the sunlight. It was a horrible, horrible awful thing to dream.

– I haven’t had a hug in probably a few weeks. Since I was home, anyway. A real, full-out hug? I could probably use one.

I should go to sleep

Well, I should.

I feel like everything I post nowadays is really boring, or about how busy I am or how I’m feeling.

I wonder what it would be like to not talk about myself for once? But I suppose that my most knowledgeable subject so it’s easiest to discuss.

It has been sunny lately (default: weather). This is great. Vitamins, minerals, natural light/natural warmth.

Okay forget this, I can’t even pretend to want to talk about anything else. I love sunshine. It makes me happy. Therefore the weather today was even correlated directly with my feelings. It’s not as if those feelings are any more relevant than yours, say, or my next door neighbor’s, but they’re what I know. So I’m going to discuss it, all right?!

And now I’m arguing with myself. Title=case in point right now. Entirely pointless, self-centered two minute post finished. Gute nacht.

Four days

I feel so old.

I’m sitting in Starbucks right now at the River Campus. I just finished my theory and diction assignments and am kind of not doing anything productive. But that’s okay, because I haven’t been on facebook yet since I’ve gotten here and the caramel thing I got is amazing.

I just read a few really old blog entries of mine. This is my second wordpress blog, so I could have gone back to the old one and checked out some really ancient things, but I was curious about myself as I was this past summer. It must be the psycho-analytical obsession leaking back, because recent events have led me to wonder whether or not I instigate a pattern with people. This might seem a little unclear.

In plain speaking, I think I intimidate boys and then they think they can either A.) take advantage of me because I like them and I’m scary but now they’re in control or B.) totally ignore me and pretend they don’t know me because they don’t want to get involved but don’t have enough balls to say so to my face.

So I was looking back (there are some entries where I thought I mentioned my summer and the boys that happened then) and wondering what it is that I do that seems to negate the possibility of anything taking shape in that direction.

I think I’ve come to the decision to stop thinking about it. After cruising through the bummed-out words of my July-self, then sifting over the stress of August days, I think it’s just not worth it.

Addressing issues of “tone”

I hate this class. Look familiar? That’s because I’m here again and really really hate it. Surprise!

We’re working on essay structure. You know, if I didn’t detest this course, I would be perfectly cool with writing and editing and re-editing my essay, even with a peer critique involved. Instead, we’re treated as incompetents. It might seem that way, honestly, because no one talks when she asks a question, except occasionally Pat or Paulina. Sorry if my brain’s shriveled from lack of coffee inhalation. Sorry if you’re standing there, “teaching,” with your arms crossed and voice dry, critically mentally labeling us all as dumb music students. We can see it.

She just mentioned a “funnel introduction.” Now the “dawn of time” introductions. GOD I need caffeine.

“Generally you don’t want readers to be skeptical. You want them to accept what you’re saying.” Actually, for me, I’d want to pique their interest. I’d want to twist them around my finger but entice them to think. From their contorted new mental state I’d want them to wonder about what they’ve read.

So no, I don’t simply want them to accept what I say.

I think I’ve shed all over my cardigan. My phone just vibrated reaaaally loudly in my pocket. I would give anything to be in Italian. And that alone should proclaim with obviousity my fiery desire to LEAVE this ROOM and never return.

Since she just was staring at me as she talked about addressing issues of tone, I wrote a few things down.

What kind of tone do you want to have in your papers? No feelings behind it. It’s a moral judgment to have an opinion. NO opinions. Well, I mean, you can have an opinion. But you have to be as bland and dry as this class. Oh wait, I need to offer a solution. Moral condemnation, and then no solution. To fix, ask why that contradiction is there? Better question: WHY DO I HAVE TO BE HERE?

F MY LIFE. “We’re going to do paragraphs for the next two classes.”

Excuse me? I beg your pardon. The NEXT TWO CLASSES?! Who needs to spend a week on learning to write a paragraph? Oh God. Oh dear sweet God.

Should-be-sleeping but oh, too alive poem.

There comes a time when

walking in a backwards wrongfooted flip flop

with braids undone and a

rose-tickled sunburn

a-singing with a loud unpretentious laugh-tone

in a solemn judged room with none of

that make-up on

crying so hard but it’s just because of chuckling at the

absurd-sauce and the glasses that

were so out of style

we’re not out of style but the funny doesn’t leave it since the

stern and frowning brows drawn low

claim our audacity

for us

But there’s no time when

laughing in a wrong-footed flip flop sunburned grins

are out of place since we just

live inside the moment

no thanks to what happens

if. we. wait.

This is like the coast we visited late this afternoon (Lake Ontario)