Du meine Wonn’, o du mein Schmerz

Here we are again. Diese Woche ist Jurywoche. Ich fühle mich krank. Ich fühle mich anxious und eklig. 

BUT. 

It’s here again, and I’ll do it. I’ll suffer through the nerves and tension and try to communicate. I’ll take some Pepto and hope my stomach calms down. I’ll run over and warm up right after I’m done drinking this water and typing this post. 

It’s here again, and I have something to say this time. I will walk into that room with a clear head and a clear heart and deliver the stories I have to share. 

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Blah blah blah not being productive

Things I should be doing right now (and will, probably… in another few minutes)

  • Showering
  • German study
  • Russian study (if I feel like it… but then again, why did I buy that huge book of verbs last year? WHY, IF I’M NOT GOING TO USE IT TO LEARN SHIT FROM?)
  • Blah blah blah clean room blah blah nonsense
  • Charge phone
  • Review translations for jury
  • Go to sleep (or at least consider it)
  • Clean desk off blah blah messy
  • Hole punch my music for the summer… huge stack (two and half inches, wtf guys?) came in the mail today
  • Maybe copy new Italian stuff out of the pile of books from Sibley… maybe
  • Set alarm… maybe

Things I have already done, aka Points for Me

  • Made a Do List (see above)
  • Put things for tomorrow in bag (mostly)
  • Located phone
  • Watered plant
  • Daydreamed (huge waste of time)
  • Neatened area near printer (kind-of)
  • Placed books to study from on bed
  • Stopped using pronouns
  • Reread some old drafts, edited
  • And that’s about all….

Productive evening, clearly.

Another list because I can’t seem to get off the internet

Yeah, I have about zero will power right now. Mary, EE, Ivana and I just got back from Relay for Life at U of R. I spent the rest of my money in support of cancer research. Not only has every other person in my immediate family had it, but I’m likely to, and so is my sister, unless we luck out like our father has so far. I made a luminaria for Grandpa, Aunt Ginny, my great-grandparents, and Aunt Josie. I also have a really spiffy t-shirt and pink button necklace now, but I would have spent the money anyway. It’s probably the best cause I can contribute to right now, and shit, if it means I’m without Java’s for a week, the world won’t stop turning, will it?

Anyway, I guess I said this was going to be a list in the post title, so here we go. What did I do today/think about (not that it’s relevant, or that anyone cares)… this is my own blog, after all, I don’t even have to write well, let alone justify myself. So there.

List of things I did/thought about today (in no particular order)

  • Matt Grills is a wonderful artist/human being and I could have sat in his recital for another few hours… days… weeks. Whatever
  • I can’t go to Wegman’s without spending money on cheese… I’m a sucker for a certain Brie, and I don’t care who knows it
  • I’m getting old
  • I had to check and delete my full voicemail inbox today, and heard messages I’d saved from two years ago. My great-aunt Mary Jane left me a message asking for my mailing address, and I’d saved it, probably because I guess I saved basically all of my messages at that time. She passed away over winter break this year. It’s not like I’m unaware that she is pain-free now, and I hope happier and at peace, but it was a quick clench of the heart to hear her sweet voice again, so unexpectedly. Also I was in Java’s waiting for my sandwich and basically about to cry. Knowing she’s better off now and missing her are two separate things entirely.
  • You know when you’re looking for someone who’s supposed to be meeting you, and end up literally staring at someone you know, but not really looking at them (more of a looking-through?)? Did that tonight. Whoops. I blushed so hard afterward I felt like I was hot flashing.
  • My eyesight has gotten SO BAD, to the point where I’m beginning to be concerned…
  • I think I’m going to enjoy the German future tense
  • I miss Russian more than I thought I did… I wonder if Michelle found my notebook when I asked her to, three weeks ago
  • I want to go home and see my family
  • I want to go home and have a fabulous place to practice
  • I don’t know how I’m going to make any money this summer
  • How shall I obtain Professor Daigle’s signature?
  • How shall I admit that I actually have a physical list of questions to ask about performing?
  • I just yawned wide enough to crack my jaw
  • I thought about Daniel today, after I listened to the Aunt Mary Jane voicemail. I guess because his is another death that has affected my life, albeit a little differently. He was nineteen, three years ago and eleven days from now. God.
    But as I thought about him, and felt sad for a pretty good chunk of time, I swear I almost heard a voice snap– pleasantly but sarcastically– “What the hell are you doing? Go out and live,” and I probably imagined it, but it killed the morose mood I’d sunk into and spurred me into getting ready for my next class, and resolving to be a little ballsier.  I’d like to think it was Daniel, even though I know that’s nuts, and if I were him I wouldn’t waste my time. But I know he tried to live life to its fullest, so, I guess you never know.
  • In other news, Mu Phi is lame, and no, I didn’t get a damn email, or text
  • I’m tired of this list and I’m tired in general. I guess I’m not very interesting this evening. Oh well…
  • “Guten Abend, mein Schatz! Guten Abend, mein Kind…”

Things I Loathe:

  • being ignored
  • having my laundry all over the floor
  • not being able to find a decent healthy/tasty damn piece of food in the dump we call our dining center.. except for a banana, which doesn’t even really count
  • not having a proper black shirt
  • having split ends
  • being acquainted with individuals who feel that it is their duty to point out my flaws in a less-than-constructive manner
  • people as a general rule
  • the unnecessary recurring clutter of my workspace
  • the lack of perspective Eastman pushes on everyone
  • BEING IGNORED
  • being forced to take the social initiative three times in a row with the same person
  • BEING IGNORED

The next part of this post would, typically, address how I (in typical, mostly level-headed manner) plan to solve the aforementioned dilemmas.

Well, I’m just not going to. I am going to stew in my own righteous bitchiness– I just slammed my door a few times, for pleasure– and hope it carries me through the rest of my history homework. And that is all.