Irrationality

I hate this. The not knowing.

But I refuse to go back to that scared and vulnerable, trembling little place where I was after Daniel died. That paranoia? That doesn’t make any sense.

Life doesn’t make any sense, I know. And neither do feelings, do emotions. The only thing that makes sense is the concept of irrationality.

But I can’t shake the notion that anything could happen. That frightens me. I don’t want to return to that cobwebby muddled corner with the nervousness and the hunched-up shoulders. I shouldn’t have to go back there.

Death could be outside my fruit roll-up clogged peephole and I wouldn’t have a clue. It’s anywhere; it’s everywhere. It seeps into our very pores and sets us up ticking, counting down until the second we go boom and BAM we’re no more. And the rest are left to sweep up the remains and keep on truckin’.

I don’t want to have to think about this shit. But I do. I do think about it and I do want to think about it. The macabre.

Isn’t it better to know? Isn’t it always better to know, to be aware? Even if it lends us that little sickly sharp edge of paranoid, isn’t it better to think ahead, to wonder? Keeps the imagination pumping red as the blood that still gallops with every flutter of the heart. And someday may prevent it’s untimely halt.

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Make me want to vomit (again)

In my personal and nauseated opinion... he IS the idiot. But I wouldn't waste my time arguing with him.

So, until now I’ve been avoiding politics. Since Government (the class) ended, I’ve cared, but not really. Auditions and college plans and senior year were a little more pressing.

Therefore, it’s been low on my list of priorities. But this morning, Fox News was on when I woke up. Granted, I had a shitty 11:51pm, so I was in a bad mood to begin with. But walking in on Glenn Beck criticizing Putin for walking “like a Communist” wasn’t really the greatest.

He’s not only inconsistent, but he’s trying to tie in history’s violent crusades to today’s times. He is trying to incite teenagers to overthrow Obama. And, apparently, the Soviet Union?

About Communism: “It was a different time until we defeated it. …Now they’re trying to teach you that democracy is what we are. Why would somebody want to change us from a republic to a democracy?”

He just read a passage from Webster’s early history textbook, and quoted that the very core of a republic was the Bible. Then he went on to talk about how when people pervert the government by venturing away from the original intent (church and state intertwined), it’s horrible.

Now back to the former USSR. Something about their “freedom of religion.” My head’s starting to ache and I need coffee but am scared to drink it, so I’ve zoned since this guy’s just making me angry, and more nauseous than I currently am/was last evening.

I will tell you what I think is really perverted. The idea that a figure with some weight is speaking out against communism and real freedom of religion from government at a time where the president currently isn’t garnering excessive support? That concerns me. The idea that this figure doesn’t mind insulting Putin on live TV? Concerning. The idea that he’s reminding kids my age that war is necessary to prevent communism, and calling his segment “Restoring History”?

Yeah, that worries me. I’ll probably get an ulcer.
There have to be better solutions than war, or encouraging kids to approve of it.