Perch’io non voglio

I’ve been doing a lot of crying lately. It’s stupid, I know. I know, I know, I know. But I can’t help acknowledge that there must be some validity to my own feelings otherwise I wouldn’t be such a mess. I’m not normally like this.

And I feel ridiculous trying to blog about it because I feel like it will just be a huge list of complaints, and that pisses me off more than anything– the complaining, the bitchiness, the constant WHINING from EVERYONE HERE… Why aren’t we happy? As a whole, all this school does is complain. The workload is too much, the students don’t get enough (from the lecture, from the facility, from the dining center, from the ensemble office, etc)– which is true, this is true! But the negativity is so catching and God help me, I’ve just been bursting into tears the past few days and it’s not even that time of the month.

I’ve been told that I shouldn’t be here. In someone’s opinion, I would be “happier” at home.

That’s true. But it’s also true that I’d hate myself if I gave up everything I’ve worked so hard for. It is my decision to put myself through this absolutely exhausting, challenging, difficult school, and it is also my decision to pursue this as a career– and don’t tell me that someone else’s passion for this is greater or their experience is more vast– don’t tell me that. I am learning. We’re all learning, and are at different places in our development musically, and in terms of repertoire and general knowledge– don’t I deserve a chance to get my feet under me, in my own time, on my owns terms, before I’m dismissed as a farm girl that should go home? I don’t want to determine at this stage of the game what I want to do with my life– but do I need someone else insinuating where I’d like to end up? Hell, no. Go away.

That doesn’t change the fact that I miss my home. I miss my family. I miss my sweet dog, that I’ve raised from a puppy for the past ten years, who left this world yesterday.

I miss hugs and an environment where the people around you care about more how you’re actually doing, than how you’re going to affect them and their career. I miss a place where others respect me and what I can do and don’t doubt me, constantly. I miss an environment where I know what I’m doing and don’t doubt myself.

But I love the challenge, and the things I’m learning here. And for the most part my colleagues are wonderful people. I don’t know if it’s the planetary alignment or something in the water, but the atmosphere here has just been unbearable. That coupled with homesickness (and dogsickness? or wait, I think that’s called a level of grief, maybe), and this week has been no fun at all.

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3 responses

  1. Dear Kim,

    You are a great student and amazing person. God has designed you so well and you have such a drive and passion to achieve your dreams. I just want to let you know that I believe in you.

    Brendan

  2. My ten year old best friend also recently passed. Thinking of it makes me realize it wasn’t recent at all, it was about a year ago. I still hear him barking when I go home.
    Death builds perspective, but I am sorry for your loss.

    And homesickness? I’m sure you’ve had your share, but I’ve learned first-hand, pain beats regret, all the time (that might be from a movie actually).

    Don’t give in.

    (random)
    Frank

  3. Thanks, guys; you helped a lot, you don’t even know. It’s such a bizarre little community here and it’s nice/reassuring/comforting to hear from people not in the Eastman Bubble (:

    (Also, sorry for taking forever to actually comment back… I read these a week ago, I’m mostly just lazy, haha…)

    – K

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