I want to have friends that’ll let me be, alone when being alone is all that I need

That quote basically describes my life. If I am to be completely honest, I love my friends. I love them and it hurts when some of them don’t love me back. Or when they don’t even realize how much I give a shit what they think. It is painful to force yourself face to face with the fact that you are so insignificant in someone’s life (someone you’ve known for over a year now), that they don’t even realize how much you need them to care, even a little.

Isn’t that how life works, though? You try and love with all you have in whatever capacity you’re capable of, and it either doubles and returns or trickles off into nothingness. And you’re rejected.

As I listened to the Bitchin’ Kitchen play tonight, I wondered, if the group of people (friends?) I’m talking about cared, would it make it better? Would it make the clinging sadness in my chest go away? Or it is just early-onset seasonal depression setting in, or what? Then I wondered, if there was a boy, would it be better? And then I decided, probably not. A boy of that sort is basically a built-in best friend you can have sex with, and somehow I think having one of those would complicate things more than it would help.

I mean, I don’t mind being my own best friend. And I’ve said for a long time that if no one talks to you, that’s your own fault and you should go be more social. But here, everyone is working their asses off to be the best. If I don’t talk to people, it’s because I’m working. I’m trying to make something of myself. I want to have friends who understand what it’s like to need to be alone, to focus or to refocus, but who also understand the necessity of human contact.

Maybe it’s all about finding the perfect fit of people who care a lot, enough to notice when you’re upset or lonely or tired or miserable. Maybe it’s all about taking closer notice of the feelings of the ones I am rather close to. The ones who don’t talk to me simply because they’re bored and there’s nothing else to do.

But for now, I guess I’ll be my own best friend. It’s okay. I’m used to it by now.

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One response

  1. you seem to be very lonely. i guess i feel that way too. i’m almost a year here in my new place and still i don’t have enough people whom i can call my friends. i sure do wish that somebody cared for me, but i guess you’re also right that its my fault for not being sociable. well it’s okay with me to be this was as long as i can blog i guess. good luck to both of us. thanks for posting!

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