Cross my heart

I haven’t blogged in such a long time. Instead, I’ve been busy with finals and wrapping up my first semester of college. Holy God.

In place of blogging I’ve taken up venting. It helps that I have some great friends here who will listen to me and not hate my guts, and who understand that it is simply a way for me to sort out what the hell is going on in my life and in the world around me. Some vent back, and I listen when they need to figure things out. It’s a good balance. Since to me, balance is necessary, I have incredible loyalty and honesty with my friends. It feels somehow that this was never the bond I had with most people back home. Some, like Brendan and Kenny and Sra, are just that honest and openly caring. Others make me wonder why they spend time with me.

Here, we are all crammed together in one little building. Fourteen stories are nothing when compared to the expansive gossip mill that runs around here. This is why I’m always careful now. What I say, who I say it to. There are a few close friends here I could tell anything to: and they would respond in kind with some precious information of their own and never repeat what I told them. It’s a strange kind of loyalty I don’t think I’ve experienced before.

There’s an honesty that tags along with the open and innocent lines of communication. A trust that shouldn’t be broken. If you feel one way, say it straight. That’s my policy.

Take tonight. An acquaintance of mine decided she was not going to shop with us. That’s all fine and good, but she said she was tired and had work to do. We found out when we came back that she had gone skating.

Like, what? If you don’t want to go with us, that’s FINE. Totally cool. We’ll probably say have fun and be on our merry way. But don’t LIE and say you have important things to do when you plan to go out with the nearest other easy social opportunity that comes your way. It’s just so phony.

I can’t take it. When I’m phony, it always comes back to bite me in the ass.

For example, tonight I went to get a beverage with a (gentleman) friend of mine. I think he’s kind of cute. Whatever. We get along. But I had to be honest with myself later that I think he is attractive and funny and kind. Also musical. You don’t see that combination much, and it interests me. I don’t know exactly what I am admitting to by that, but I had to be honest with myself.

Later, another friend decided that he would ask me out. I do not have feelings for this friend and so I told him so. Honestly. I thought about saying I had alternate plans, or that I didn’t think I was ready for a relationship right now, or even that I was sick or studying. But I didn’t. It is so much more direct, straightforward and downright decent to tell the truth, with simplicity. I mean, make it nicer if you want, just be honest.

I guess that was my theme for the evening or something, since it just happened to be on my mind for a healthy chunk of time today. Now I’m going to honestly say that’s it is WAY past my bedtime.


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