Parasitic

So, I don’t know what my problem is. Except that I’m pretty sure I start most (if not all) of my blogging sprees with the word “so,” and now that is one of my problems. Anyway.

I think I’m just in an annoyed place right now. Not negative, not depressive, just annoyed. Mildly irritated with the little things around me. I am assuming this will improve dramatically once my essay is revised (my Big Task for the morning), but for now? I’m cranky.

Why? Why, okay, there are a ton of reasons. Right now I’m only going to elaborate on one, but know that there are more and it’s just kind of an anti-focuser.

Michael. Is now “in a relationship,” and has been for a few weeks (I’d guess). This is great, this is super, and I am happy for them.

And yes, that is a complete lie since I don’t know this girl and I miss Michael and then I feel outrageously pathetic for saying so. But I’ve been one of those people who’s shoved away and ignored once a significant other is located… I guess there’s probably some technical term for this reaction but I don’t know it (yet) and so I am going to dumb it down and straight-up-fact-it. (FYI I have not had a full cup of coffee yet today.)

I think I am unhappy about Michael having a lady friend. And not because I am jealous (I don’t want a lady friend, and I have never had a crush on Michael). But I suppose in a way I am experiencing a form of jealousy because I have been in a position where a close friend of mine decided that their boyfriend was now their only friend. It was at a time where I could have really used that friend’s ear, and shoulder and support, and I tried my hardest not to ask for them. When the stress occasionally wore through, it was pretty humiliating. And painful, almost like a breakup, to realize that this friend could toss such a close relationship– in my mind, one that was almost familial– away. Maybe they were incapable of balancing. Or maybe I’d just never meant much.

That may seem a touch dramatic but it’s the truth. And I’m not proposing that Michael will act this way– for God’s sake, he lives on the other side of the Atlantic, so it’s not as if he can ditch me, per se… but loving someone shifts priorities.

And that’s another thing. I think he thinks he loves her already. Ughaldjflakjdfhhnnnggg. Here’s a personal thing about me– I just DON’T say that to another human being that is not my family or very close platonic friend. I just don’t. Words carry a certain power, and that particular verb… has exponentially powerful reactions that are very real. I don’t think I could say that to anyone else, unless, God forbid, I meant it with everything.

But yeah. Back to Michael? I think I have abandonment issues and am worried that he will be so focused on the amazing things he’s doing and the lovely German lady he’s with, that he will forget I’m here. Forget that I miss him. Forget that I’m very fond of him and care for him like I would my long-lost brilliant European brother, and forget that I’m a little pathetic and that I kind of need all of my friends. That about wraps up my irritation about Michael. And it is irritation, don’t make any mistake. I’m irritated that I would be ridiculous and insecure enough to be worried and a little sad. I’m irritated because it’s happened before and I’ve been in a position of vulnerability that’s just as uncomfortable and upsetting as any other relationship trouble of any sort. I’m irritated I have to admit it.

And that’s all I got for right now because honestly I should be working to revise my essay so I can knit and practice Italian and look for Handel rep and drink more coffee and read my book and look up Montana some more.

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